CONFRONTING CHANGE

Change and control seem inextricably linked. I want total control, so that I can change my inner and outer environments to be in whatsoever state I desire. Well, unless things are exactly as I want them to be. Then I just want them to stay put and not change.

The sun stays out longer and longer this time of year. This is a GOOD change. Wrinkles form on sunburned skin, with time. That is a BAD change. All change is catalogued in my mind as good, bad, or indifferent. I am aware that this is immature, unrealistic, impatient. I am like an infant who cries to achieve its aims. It is furious at its utter dependence on others. That is me. I want to change to world, yet I feel like an impotent baby.

If I can affect change, then I have control. But changes that ‘just happen’, like the rising and the setting of the sun, are to be confronted, because I can’t control them. I try to ignore the ones I don’t like, and revel in the ones I do like. This is not a solution I am happy with, but it’s as far as I’ve gotten in this pursuit of satisfaction, of wholeness, of completeness.

I am reminded of the Serenity prayer:

“God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change those things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.”

This prayer is a prayer because it’s an appeal for help from on high. But If we were to ask what we’re really thinking, it would go more like this:
“ God grant me the ability
To Change what I want to change
The courage to change what I want
And the wisdom to like my changes”